Family Violence Hurts Kids Too

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Family Violence Hurts Kids Too: for mothers and other people concerned about children who witness family violence

Family Violence and Children

Many women are subjected to violence and abuse from their husbands or partners. Family violence is much more than physical abuse. It includes:

emotional abuse (such as manipulation, isolation, put-downs, mind games),
financial abuse,
sexual abuse,
threats of violence and revenge,
property damage, smashing belongings,
harming pets.

Family violence is an abuse of the intimate, trusting and safe relationship that a family should provide.

Victorian Police attend over 20,000 "family incidents" each year. Children are present at more than half of these incidents (Victoria Police Crime Statistics)

Many children and young people in Australia live in a family where a parent is being abused. These children grow up in a "climate of fear". In most cases they will be in the same room or the next room when the violence occurs.

Until recently the effects on children who witness violence have not been fully acknowledged by the community, because the violence has not been seen as direct abuse of the children. In this way the effects on children have been easy to minimise or attribute to other causes.

There is also increasing evidence that physical, sexual and emotional abuse of children is more likely to occur in a home where one adult is violent towards the other than in non-violent homes.

"When the yelling starts, I have to take my little sister upstairs and shut the door."

Many children who witness family violence have been found to have higher levels of behavioural and emotional problems than other children. The impact can vary according to their age, sex, and role in the family. Some children feel responsible for the violence. They may think they are making things easier for their mother by appearing to cope with the situation, by trying to be quieter, or by not saying how they feel.

While most children escape without physical injury they may bear emotional scars which in many cases can last a lifetime.

"I can't bring my friends home after school anymore, in case dad's in a bad mood"

The effects on children who witness domestic violence may include:

feelings of fear, anger, depression, grief, shame, despair and distrust,
a sense of powerlessness
physical reactions such as stomach cramps, headaches, sleeping and eating difficulties, frequent illness
slowed developmental capacities, poor school performance, low self- esteem, difficulty relating to peers
substance abuse, or glue sniffind
behavioural problems such as running away from home, aggressive language and behaviour, acting out
learning that violence is a legitimate means for obtaining control of a situation or for resolving conflict.

"Sometimes dad locks all the doors and hides the phone, so we can't get out or talk to anyone"

What can we do for children?

"My tummy was always in a knot, but now it isn't"

Accept that an abusive family environment harms children.
Place the responsibility for the violence with the offending parent,
Support the abused parent, which can improve her capacity to protect her children.
Most importantly, children who witness family violence need to know they are not forgotten.

Ways you can help a child who has witnessed domestic violence include:

tell them that the violence is not their fault
give them an opportunity to talk about the violence
help make a safety plan which they can follow
let them know that others have had similar experiences
Support and assist the mother to protect both herself and her children
ring and discuss the situation with a domestic violence worker and/or the Child Protection Unit to find out how else you can help the children. See services

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Information for Mothers

You are not to blame

The prevailing community attitude that mothers should be "perfect" and almost wholly responsible for their children's well-being can lead to blaming the mother even when the father is the one who is violent. You may be feeling responsible for your partner's violence, and for the impact his behaviour has on the kids.

Remember, you are not to blame for his violence and you are not responsible for the effect that his abuse of you has on your children.

He hits me, but he's good to the kids'

This is commonly said by women subjected to domestic violence. But by abusing you, the children's mother, he is not being "good to the kids". Showing attention or affection to his children cannot make up for denying them (through his violence) their right to a safe and happy childhood. Your role as a parent may be much more difficult because mothers are often not treated with respect, particularly by men who are violent.

You need help, so you can help your children

No matter how caring a parent you are, at some level your ability to do your best for your children will be affected by your partner's violence. This is also a time when your children are likely to need your care and attention more than ever. Until you can get the help you need to make yourself safe, your children cannot feel safe or happy knowing that their mother is being hurt.

Difficult choices

Concern for children is probably a major factor (if not the major factor) in whether you decide to separate, as it is for many women in abusive relationships. It is likely to be confusing and difficult for you to weigh up which situation is best for your children. Dilemmas may include:

How can I take them away from their home, their pets, their school, the dad whom they love?'

‘He says he will get custody of the kids.'

‘Can I offer the kids anything better?'

‘Are we in more danger if we leave?'

The following suggestions may assist you in caring for your children, and in making choices about your situation.

If you are living with an abusive partner

Read more about abuse in relationships and what you can do, and about safety and legal protection
To get the help you need, you can contect the services listed.
Even though your children may not have been in the room, they will have been able to sense the atmosphere, so if you can, explain to them what is happening
Let them know it is not their role to protect you
Let them know that you want to know how they feel
Assure them that feeling frightened, angry, confused or sad is normal in the situation
Find a trustworthy, sympathetic adult that the kids can talk to (ie; school counsellor or relative)

If you have separated, or are leaving the situation you can

Seek counselling and support groups for yourself and your children
Encourage your children to talk about how they are feeling
Seek parenting support
Contact domestic violence and/or legal services. You can contact the services listed
Tell your children of your plans for the future.
If you leave your home, take favourite toys and some of your children's other items
Seek legal advice. The Family Court now considers the witnessing of family violence as harmful to children. Read more about safety and legal protection .
To Order a printed copy of this pamphlet - see our Publications page for an order form.

"I can have friends over now. When I play I can make a noise."

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Services that can help

In Victoria, and in other states, there are 24 hour crisis hotlines, as well as local Domestic Violence Services
which can provide information and practical support in finding safe accommodation, housing, or obtaining legal or financial assistance. They can also provide support for children affected by family violence. See Contacts for Services

See also 'Bursting the Bubble' website for teenagers who are living with family violence - it provides quizzes, faqs, information, stories and more.

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