Abuse gets worse at Christmas

By library on December 23, 2010 in Blog

The Christmas period can be a time of danger and fear for women experiencing abuse in their relationship.

In December 2009, the Womens Domestic Violence Crisis Service handled:

2338 calls from Victorian women needing help, and
247 calls from police seeking urgent refuge accommodation for victims.

In December 2009, Victorian police were called to:

Christmas Eve: 125 incidents of family violence
Christmas Day: 108 incidents
December 28: 144 incidents
New Year’s Day: 142 incidents

Many other incidents went unreported, with victims fearful of the consequences.

Trigger points at Christmas

There are trigger points that heighten violence at Christmas.

Tensions are high as household budgets are stretched, separated families come together and women are easy targets for abusive partners.

Abusive men also spent more time at home in the holidays. Often more alcohol is flowing than usual, which can intensify abuse.

Emotional abuse

Not all abusers use physical violence.

Emotional abuse includes when someone:

verbal abuse like name-calling
constant criticism and makes you feel bad about yourself
humiliation, including in front of others
makes threats
keeps tabs on you and checks up on you
controls your money
uses guilt trips to manipulate you
tries to cut you off from friends or family
controls your body and decisions about pregnancy, or
pressures, tricks or forces you into sex.

What an abusive relationship feels like

You may feel confused about whether it’s really abuse because sometimes the other person acts nice and is fun to be with, or because the abuse isn’t always obvious.
You find yourself ‘walking on eggshells’, being careful that you don’t upset them.
The abusive person’s needs and opinions dominate, and you feel controlled by them.

A plan to stay safe

No matter whether you decide to stay in the relationship or leave, there are things you can do to make yourself safer.

As Jane Ashton of Womens Domestic Violence Crisis Service said:

All women in this situation need to develop an escape plan. They shouldn’t just stay for Christmas for the sake of the children, they should be looking for support.

My sister tried to escape without any support and paid the ultimate price.

Ways to stay safe

Tell people what’s happening

Tell friends, your parents, family, teachers or your workmates what’s happening. Ask them to help protect you, for example, by being around when your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner is there. You could use a code word to let them know you need help.

Try not to be alone with your ex

If you can, try and keep other people around. If you are out, arrange another way of getting home rather than going with them.

Stay sober and alert

Stay aware of what’s going on when you are around them. For example, try not to drink or use other drugs.

Listen to your feelings – if something doesn’t feel right, get away as soon as you can.

Be prepared: mobile, money, keys, papers

Have an excuse prepared so you can leave quickly if you feel uncomfortable or threatened.

Always have a mobile and extra money handy for a taxi or phone call if needed.

Plan where you will go if you need to leave in a hurry (eg a friend’s or family member’s place) and how you will get there.

Gather together any special things and important documents so they are ready if you need to take them in a hurry – like your (and your children’s) birth certificate, bank cards, passport, immigration papers, Health Care or Medicare card, or any medication you might need.

Put them in a safe place.

Keep children safe

Let your children know what to do in an emergency – where to go and who to telephone. Give them the numbers for the police, neighbours, relatives.

Have in mind a place to which you and your children can go quickly, if necessary.

Have an excuse prepared so you can leave quickly if your partner becomes threatening

Leave pets with friends or family

Research shows that 70 % of female domestic violence victims say that their abuser has threatened to, or has actually harmed a pet.

54% per cent reported that their abuser had killed a pet, and a quarter of victims say they have delayed leaving their abuser because of concern for their pet’s safety. (The Age 2010)

Keep a contact list

Make sure important phone contacts are in your phone – and your bag.

Important numbers might include:

friends and/or family members you can trust
a domestic violence service (Victoria: Womens Domestic Violence Crisis Service on 9322 3555 or toll free 1800 015 188 (24 hours)
a taxi service.

The police

The police can help protect you from any more violence. For example, you can apply for a court order that tells your abusive ex to stop coming near you or harassing you. In Victoria, this is called an Intervention Order.

Most people get nervous about calling the police.

But if you are in danger, they are there to protect you. Police are used to dealing with violence in relationships or families.

If you need immediate help, call 000 and the police will come.

Or you can go to a police station to report violence.

Talk to someone about the abuse

Don’t go through this alone – talking to someone can help you to work out what to do.

Don’t feel ashamed – the abuse isn’t your fault.

Tell a friend, a family member, or talk it over with someone outside the situation, like the national domestic violence hotline (24 hours, free, confidential) 1800 200 526

If you are in danger

Call the police on 000.

3 Responses to Abuse gets worse at Christmas

Spice January 4, 2011 at 11:01 am #

Just posted your site on my FB! http://www.facebook.com/dvrcv?v=wall#!/pages/I-FIGHT-FOR-MY-LIFE/112420815462164 Thank You for all you do!
A Friend January 16, 2011 at 10:15 pm #

Oh God, what can I do?
A friend of mine is the victim of family violence. She seems unable to help herself. She has told me of exceptional financial, emotional and verbal violence against her. He even targets his own daughter. I have tried to counsel her, discuss what is acceptable in marriage and ask her what she wants out of her marriage. I believe she is so abused she is unable to think straight about what is acceptable. Now he is trying to cut her off from her family (overseas) and myself. I am heartbroken and angry. She is now going to give in and give him her and her daughter’s passport. How can I help her now? She is like a bird in a cage. Is there nothing I can do to help her?
admin January 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm #

Thank you for writing such a heartfelt and honest message.

Being a good friend to someone who is experiencing domestic violence is an extremely tough job. It can be frightening, frustrating and emotionally exhausting. From what you’ve written, you are experiencing all of these emotions.

It may not feel like it, but it is wonderful that your friend has contact with you and that you are there for her. Many women recovering from the experience of domestic violence talk about how the one thing that gave them hope and comfort was knowing that there were supportive and non-judgemental people ‘on the outside’ who knew what was happening.

The financial, emotional and verbal abuse, as well as the social isolation your friend’s husband is trying to enforce, are unfortunately just some of the very common but extremely serious forms of domestic violence that perpetrators use to control their partners and children. Many people still think of domestic violence as only physical (and visible) violence. All of the forms of violence you have described are recognised in the law as domestic violence as well as violations of fundamental human rights.

When you say you ‘believe she is so abused she is unable to think straight…’ this is a powerful indication of how much stress and trauma she is experiencing. When women are in danger, terrified and don’t know what is going to happen next because of the violence they and their children are experiencing, very often all their energy is taken up with merely surviving day to day and trying to keep themselves and their children safe. There is no opportunity to step back and think ‘this isn’t ok! I and my children have the right to feel and be safe and to be treated with respect at all times….’

There are services that can help. We have a list of services for all around Australia that could help. You or your friend can contact them any time for anonymous and confidential support, direct assistance and information ranging from safe accommodation to legal advice and exploring safety options that suit the individual woman and her children.

An extremely important thing to remember is to take care of yourself through this time. Ultimately your friend will be the one to make a decision about reaching out for more information and support from a service. As much as you may want to do that for her, it will be up to her and it may take some time. Passing on numbers and information about domestic violence services to your friend when you can may help, so will staying in touch and continuing to ‘be there’ for her, when you are up to it. We hear from other concerned family and friends in situations it has been really helpful for them to contact a domestic violence service directly and have a confidential chat with a worker about ways the service can help them support their friend as well as themselves. Remember, you deserve support as well as your friend.