Mothers

What’s on this page?

Do you feel safe at home? … do your children?

What you can do … for your kids

Do you feel safe at home? … do your children?

Everyone has a right to feel safe and free of fear in their own home.

If your partner hurts you — or abuses you, or tries to control you — this is family violence.
It’s not your fault. There is no excuse for violence.

Family violence does affect your kids. Even if they don’t see or hear the abuse, they know it’s happening.

Babies and young children pick up on this, even if they’re in another room. Older children know what’s going on.

You are probably trying hard to protect them. You do your best to stop them from hearing arguments or seeing abuse. But kids are very sensitive.

Growing up in a ‘climate of fear’ is damaging to children.

The warning signs

Does your partner, your ex, or a family member:

stop you seeing family or friends? threaten to hurt you, your kids, family members … or a pet? make you feel scared to say no to them? smash things or lock you in the house? force or trick you to have sex or do sexual things you don’t want to? constantly check where you are and what you’re doing? call you names or deliberately make you feel bad? try to damage your relationship with your kids? control all the spending in the household?

If you ticked ‘yes’ to any of these, then there are signs that you are not being treated right, or that you are being abused. If you don’t feel safe, respected and cared for, then something isn’t right.

Care + respect = YES, violence + abuse = NO

Name calling or put-downs are abuse too. It can hurt as much or even more than physical violence.

All forms of family violence are not ok. And some – like physical violence, threats or stalking – are a crime. There are laws to protect women and children from family violence.

But... "he's stressed"... "it's only if I do something 'wrong'"... "it's only when he drinks"... NO EXCUSES. VIOLENCE IS A CHOICE.

Is this affecting my kids?

Children can’t feel safe or happy if their mum is being hurt. They may feel frightened or helpless.

Some kids try to protect their mum, or they might feel angry and blame her. Some children even think it’s their fault.

They may:

feel unwell with stomach cramps or headaches

have trouble concentrating at school

have difficulty with friendships

’act out’ … or withdraw

learn that violence can give them control over others

You are not to blame

Some partners try to damage the relationship between a mum and her kids. They may:

tell your kids you are a ‘bad’ mother

encourage them to ignore what you say

stop you from attending to your child

be jealous of your pregnancy or when you are breastfeeding your baby

Common questions

"He's good to the kids. Don't they need us to stay together no matter what?" A man is not being a good dad or role model if he abuses you, the child's mother. Even if he is caring or affectionate towards the kids, it doesn't make up for the damage he is doing hurting you.

"Should I leave him?" The most important thing is your own safety, and the safety of your children. There are services that can help you to work through these issues so you can decide what is best for you and your children. You don't have to deal with this on your own.

"Is it my fault?" No matter what you do, a partner should not hurt you or make you feel bad about yourself. You are not to blame.

What you can do … for your kids

A warm and supportive relationship with you or another family member makes a positive difference for children. You can:

give lots of cuddles

tell them you love them, often!

ask them how they

reassure your kids that the abuse is not their fault

ask them how they feel, listen and give them opportunities to talk about the violence

let them know that other kids have similar experiences and that feeling upset is normal

show them respect and help them show respect for others

let them know it’s not their role to protect you

show your kids that you are interested in them – play games with them, support their achievements, involve them in sport and community activities

get help and support for your kids and for yourself

"I told myself as long as he's only hurting me and not my children... until one day not only did he hurt me he hit my 2 month old"

What you can do … for you

Make a safety plan

Whether you decide to stay or leave the relationship:

plan where you can go and who you can call in an emergency

keep important items together in a safe place in case you need to leave suddenly —such as birth certificates, bank cards, Centrelink details, money, medication, clothes, keys

teach your kids what to do and who to call if they don’t feel safe

Talk to someone

Take ‘time out’

Call a family violence service

They will support you — whether you decide to stay or separate from your partner. Their focus is to help you and your children be safe

Find out how the law can protect you

"Now I can come home from work without fear of what is awaiting me behind closed doors. I make my own decisions. I control my own life. It's not an easy road but it far outweighs the years before."