I had been seeing this guy for just over three months. We both drank a lot. One night, he got really mad at me and he called me a lot of names, and then pushed me against the wall. I got really scared but he said he was sorry and he’d never do it again.
Another night, he wanted to make love and I asked him to put on a condom. He said he didn’t have one. I asked him to stop, and he wouldn’t. And he said that it didn’t matter, not to worry about it. At first, I sort of laughed cause i thought he was joking, but then I realized he was serious and I got scared. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t, and I pushed him away but he pushed me back and pinned me down with his body. He was very strong. He raped me.
How I coped
I had been abused as a child, and I had told him about it. I was very depressed already, and I had been cutting myself. Things got really bad after the rape. I tried to kill myself. I think I just wanted to cut myself really bad and I cut too deep, and I ended up nearly dead. They had to rush me to the hospital.
How the situation changed
I started to get counselling and had to deal with all the childhood abuse, and also all the alcohol and drugs I had done and all the people I had slept with. And also I talked about how much I’d cut myself, and burn myself. I was going crazy, and all I could think about was killing myself. I hated myself too. But getting counselling and a support group and getting anti-depressants really really helped.
What helped me
My sisters and my friends saved my life and I put them through hell. I didn’t really start to change until one night I felt with my BODY that I wasn’t to blame. I really was screwed up and doing the best I could. I realized that I had to forgive myself for some things, that I wasn’t to blame. And I realised that I would have to continue forgiving myself for my mistakes.
What I would say to others
Abuse doesn’t get better if you don’t do anything; it just keeps getting worse. You have to be your own friend. You have to have compassion for yourself. You have to forgive yourself. You deserve better. You are a precious human being and you deserve to be treated with respect. And you can’t ever give up. Don’t hurt yourself. Hang in there – you are not alone.