Just like I am, always looking for the half full glass instead of the half empty, we have to see that sometimes empty just means nothing but empty. My daughter, my beautiful sunshine needs me. If it isn’t for me, I have to give her life security and joy. I may not be strong for myself, but I know I can be for her. Never in life do I want her to step into my pattern of “accepting, loving, no matter what “, I would hate myself forever. This time I made a step, and called the police, a “first time ever”, a great big step. And next time, I promise you, my baby, I will go, with you in my arms.
How I coped
To look in the eyes of my baby girl and know that she watched every bit. It helped to be able to see the truth.
How the situation changed
I called the cops, the first time ever. I called a abuse hotline, and set an appointment for counselling, also the first time ever. Before I was nothing but a “please love me, it’s all my fault, If I just change….” But to know that my daughter was sick all night after he choked me in front of her – this gave me one step into the right way. I am not there yet, but at least I am on my way. And I will reach peace soon, as long I continue to look in my daughter’s sad eyes.
What has helped me
My baby girl. I want her to be strong with the knowledge that this world can be a great place, not a hide out, a cave with tears all around.
What I would say to others
Hey “sisters”, we are made strong. We give birth, clean up behind everybody, work in a job, and at home. And we let in the “words of love”, the person we “trusted” most, “loved most”, treat us like a dog. We answer ‘Yes, I will change, I will try harder, I will be sooooo good”.
Who was bad? You? Did you hit yourself, did you choke yourself? Did you verbally abuse yourself day in day out, just thinking: ‘At least, he isn’t hitting me?’
No, we HAVE TO STAND UP for OURSELVES, and even more, for our kids, and live free.